pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
not ubering you a puppy
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
