Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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