I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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