I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
