I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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