i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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