my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I need to calm my uterus...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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