Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sarcasm needs its own font
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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