I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
