WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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