the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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