so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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