i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
