At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
