I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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