do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
