Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
