I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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