If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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