The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
