Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Never underestimate the power of titties
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
