i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
