Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
