I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
