Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
