She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
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I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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