neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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