I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
