I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
