Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
