Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
