we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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