Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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