there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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