she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
