So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
