im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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