Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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