So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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