I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
