They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
