I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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