How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
