peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
