I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
