this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
