you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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