You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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