The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
