I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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