aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
