You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
