who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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