So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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